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||18||: 2 AM Thoughts

It’s 2 AM and my mind won’t stop racing. You know it’s actually happening, when after watching the last movie many movies ago, you realize you’re wide awake and those 2 AM thoughts takeover.

I’ve talked to myself and I’ve talked to God, and here I am admitting that this solitary environment is like a detox from a drug called the-all-consuming-busy-bee. I’m not sure what else to call myself, it’s bad when you stock up on things and you hope no one needs your aide.

I drove out yesterday to send out a care package, and I noticed more cars on the road, unlike a week or two ago when the roads looked like the scene of a thriller, a quiet neighborhood with no signs of life. Not today on a Friday, this time the streets were semi filled with signs of urgency, the air was steamy, and pollen painted each vehicle. When I walked through a few stores the energy was odd and unfamiliar. I laugh at myself now as I power walked through the aisles, anxiously scanning, with a touch, grab and go tactic in mind. When someone accompanied me in an aisle, the two of us sharing space, I’d dart out the way like a mouse running for shelter. Some of us remembered to step back at least five feet, while others walked around with medical/cloths masks, hands covered with gloves or bare hands coated in sanitizer. I even did the the ugly glare at young lady sneezing in the under garment section (how dare you infect our air).

This is odd time to be alive, I’m all the way sober and my awareness is heightened. Still, with all the madness surrounding me, I find myself taking a deep breath to survey my life, and I’m filled with gratitude. At any moment my life can be taken away, and yet I’m still here for a reason.

There is a reprogramming within that I seek, because as of now, I can count 200 + items in my Amazon cart that I’ve saved for later, but what if I clicked the Buy Now button and I spent my earnings and my house was instantly filled with boxes, wrappers, and junk. Where would it all fit, would I be happy then? I haven’t touched many things during this stay in process. I’ve touched my phone a lot to call friends and family, I’ve reached for pens and paper to clear my mind and write a letter to my husband, I’ve reached for my cards to pay bills and purchase groceries, I eat two meals a day, wash a few dishes and I’ve reworn some of the same clothes because home is my constant space.

In the meanwhile, the only way for me to maintain a positive/realistic state of mind is to have faith. I’m not talking about pretending everything is perfectly fine. I’m referring to the practice of counting my blessings, whether they are many or few, and to focus on the essentials for living. I know this too shall pass and eventually I’ll return to my work and my new regime. I want to be changed through this process, reformed and changed for the better. Because a reset is needed. I have faith that the sick will be healed and their bodies restored. I have faith that I will remain well and encourage my clients and give them the confidence they need to trust me in their homes.

I believe that this sacrifice we have to make will provide us a new outlook in life and a choice to serve our time on this earth more wisely.
That’s what I want, while I’m here, I want to be available and I want to make a difference, yes the ordinary regular me, writing to you on this page.



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