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||57||: I’d Rather Be Naked

Photo by NPY
It’s all the above: funny, sad, sobering, and ridiculous when you learn another truth about yourself that you “thought” you knew.

I’ve learned, I don’t really like clothes that much. How could I like something that gets tossed on the floor and some days stepped on? How could I like something that gets traded so carelessly for the new thing – new photo – new vibe? You don’t really like clothes T, you’re just hiding. I’m learning these lies go deep.

I’d rather be naked or wearing lounge wear with comfortable shoes. So what does that even mean when I’ve hoarded and collected clothes since I was old enough to earn my income? What does that mean when I’ve purchased and worn painful shoes because it’s looks prettier on the shelf? It means I’ve been delusional. Whew, embarrassing to admit here and sobering. Now I feel incredibly naked and exposed. It means that I’ve been hiding, and bold face lying, I’ve been self sabotaging myself for the real thing.

What’s the real thing? The main thing, the top priorities. This conversation has come up before but I heard it clearly as I spoke to a close friend last Sunday about writing a list of my top 10 priorities. Being the best dressed wasn’t one of them, being admired and being fashionable never made the list. The Top 3 was a new vehicle, being a successful student/counselor and writing every day especially on the blog.

I’m challenging myself and anyone this resonates with. Write down a list of your 10 Priorities. Don’t worry about the order just write and then think about: What you currently focus on daily, where does your time and money go? Think about it.

I’ve learned that I’ve ignored priorities to fit in – what and where is in – I’m fooling myself – because I don’t even like anyone else’s in – I actually prefer my version of in. I’ve tried others in and it doesn’t look good in me or on me.

“Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.”

Leonardo da Vinci

I’ve learned that my spending habits have been unrealistic and it’s prevented me from holding more tangible things and needs that I can actually hold. I’ve connected with the minimalism philosophy and the different challenges of letting go. Still in the end, it’s not only about letting go, it’s about changing What I value, what I deem important, and practicing self control and delaying self gratification. I don’t want to gain the whole wardrobe and lose my soul. I don’t want to live in a hoarders mansion where no can visit me. It’s never been about the stuff, maybe the stuff is a deep seated thought process because sometimes I don’t feel who I am is enough? Sometimes I feel like this stuff makes me look shiny. When really, when I look at myself in the mirror, I lost best with less, I look best naked, smiling with frizzy, fluffy, unstyled hair.

Today I’d rather be naked, honest about who I am and what I want for myself & living in the now laying on a blanket, letting ever ray of shine beam on me, letting the sweat highlight every curve till I’m thirsty then diving in a pool of refreshing love, acceptance, affirming grace and certainty. I don’t want any restrictive tight fighting with me type of clothing that causes me to sit with my legs tightly closed, my vulva begging for fresh air. My Vulva needs to breathe, Madame T!!!

I understand that clothing is shelter, covering, and creative expression. Clothing is art, clothing is protection, spiritual, literal labor and time consuming craft. Clothing is uniform, proof of belonging, and official clearance into a certain political room. Clothing can be whatever you want it to be, recycled, transparent or super layered.

What I want is to keep it real with myself? I’m looking at these Level 10 – Top 10 Priorities. In the end, I decided what matters and most of it has nothing to do with things and more to do with relationships, achievements, self awareness and self improvement for the good of all people.

“As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler; solitude will not be solitude, poverty will not be poverty, nor weakness weakness.”

Henry David Thoreau

So yea… I‘d rather be naked — collect the funds — and make room for my blessings.

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