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||94||: It’s Safe Here To Admit The Struggle is Real…

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto

I can admit here this Sunday evening, that I’m tired of the solitude. I’ve learned to live in solitude but now I feel that I’ve had too much.

I’ve never wanted to live alone and have avoided it for years. Still, I don’t regret my decision, I do enjoy coming home and not always having to cook, I do enjoy privacy and the ability to move freely and learn more about myself. Even though I appreciate the quiet time and solitude. I’m ready for another move to be close to family once again. I’m ready to reconnect to the social world. I understand that not many of us are able to be social, my social meetups have been few and far between. I’ve become a bit more anxious so I’m selective with who I mingle with.

I’m sick of it. The rise of people contracting the virus has increased and with the holiday approaching, I feel that we must create some holiday cheer and make each day memorable from now into the New Year.

This too shall pass, they say, oh I know that tune very well and remind myself that nothing lasts forever. In the meantime, this is new, these feelings that we share, a lack of control and unknown about the future, sits heavy on our minds. I hope that throughout all the madness we relearn what is meaningful in our personal lives.

I’m not sure if it was the tv series Call The Midwife, but I cried a bit, and said yea, I need my Mum, I need plenty hugs and warmth. I need to see my closest friends and family. Sometimes I hate talking about my feelings on social media because I don’t want pity or someone to call me in an awkward conversation.

The way to my heart is good food and natural conversation, that’s it. Let’s put on the karaoke, play some games and have a good laugh, the simple gatherings that bring laughter into tears, those are the best.

I am impressed by my family, every Wednesday evening on Zoom they gather to pray, and then after they chat about everyday things with one another, at least the older folks. I feel that my younger cousins haven’t kept that consistency. We do tend to avoid church when we get older, but this beyond tradition and what we disagree on, we need to meet up just to talk about whatever feelings are coming up, we need it. Sometimes we need to create new traditions.

It’s an odd and lonely time. I just want you to know, things aren’t perfect and rosy, sometimes I don’t want to get up and be productive, still I must keep going. I’m the lady that often returns to affirmations, mediation, and deep breathing to calm my mind and realign myself. Still I want you to know here that I struggle and sometimes I need a good cry for whoever long is needed.

Early November, I will put up a string of lights, cuddle up with a cup of tea, have pie and ice cream, play Christmas music and watch a corny predictable Hallmark movie (can’t believe I’m saying this, but yes) it’s like that…

With Love,

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